Always you
by xredSunburstx
Summary: They love each other, but things are keeping them apart. Will they be able to get over it and conquer their fear? And what does it take to make them see what is really important in life? Rizzles... of course.
1. Prologue

They say you write the best when you are on your lowest. If I could I'd take my hat off and salute to them, letting them know how right they are.

I am writing this story to sort things out in my own life. To make a happy ending where I can't find my own. So, even if this story seems sad and devastating it won't be. I mean… guys… Jane/maura = mfeo. We all know that… tamaro knows that… every pal in the world knows it.

I hope you'll take that journey with me and I can't wait to read what you think about it.

**Always you**

**Prologue**

The day Maura Isles told me she is in a relationship a part of me died.

I remember it clearly, and I can see it right before my eyes, every fucking single time I close my eyes. And just because I felt my heart break in this moment and ever since it did not mend.

Maybe it stroked me with such an ungracious force, because I did not see it coming. And I should have. I should have seen it coming, every step on the way and every passing corner.

Maura Isles is the most beautiful and kind women I've ever met. She is… intelligent, in such a sweet and geeky way, affectionate with every thing she does, passionate and… perfect.

There's only one word describing what Maura Isles is… and for me it is… perfect. And surely I would not remain the only person sensing that. Everyone could see it simply by laying eyes on her.

So I should have seen it coming… but I didn't. I couldn't, because my eyes were on her, and only here, the whole time. I was falling in love with her before I even knew it and I really believed that she felt the same. I was so stupid to believe that we were moving in the same direction, slowly… but with such a force, neither of us could deny it. But I guess I was wrong.

On a Friday she told me, with a sparkle in her eyes I have seen so many times before. But this time it wasn't me causing her happiness.

She told me she met him at a charity gala the evening before. She has seen him many times before, thinking how attractive he is, but never able to make a move. And then there's a big blur. She can't even tell me how the rest of the evening went. The only thing she knows is that they drank wine, maybe one glass to much, and when they left… together… they were a couple. And of course he spent the night with her.

Right and there I wanted to throw up and never leave my bathroom floor.

But I stood still, listening to her beautiful and excited voice and to my heart slowly breaking.

But I stood still, trying my best to remain up straight, trying my best to smile her way and be the best friend I could be right now. But we weren't best friends anymore… the last weeks and months we have been so much more… clearly it hasn't been enough…

You know the thing with such a relationship… such a friendship is that it is really hard to wear a mask and not let them see through your real emotion. Maura is the first person who knew me that well, every single part of me, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful and with that she exactly knew when I was wearing a mask, when I was lying. Usually I did not mind. In secret it made me feel safe and… loved… knowing she'd always be there with me, knowing how exactly I felt, no words needed. And other times she'd push me whenever she thought it was needed because I was withdrawing again.

But this night it was the worst that could happen to me.

She asked me what was wrong with me, why I looked so pale and shocked.

"I'm fine." I said. Lying straight into her face. I was far away from being fine, at all.

Of course she wouldn't believe me, so I tried another lie.

"I guess it's just a shock, coming so… spontaneous. I just have to get used to the idea of my best friend in a relationship. I mean who do I spend the evenings after a case with? I'll be lost with the guys at the bar!"

And then she pushed, like she always did when my truth wasn't enough for her. Because it wasn't true enough.

And suddenly, I don't know when exactly and how, but she suddenly stood before me, telling me all the things I always wanted to hear.

She told me that usually she was over thinking every relationship in her life and this time it felt right to be spontaneous.

Crack.

She told me that she knew that we had feelings for each other. Come on, ever one could see it, sense it, feel it… whatever.

She told me that partly she wanted to be with me, but she couldn't. Out of many reasons… one of them clearly was that she wasn't gay. It was better, remaining at what we were good at. Being best friends.

Another crack.

I tried the best smile I could muster, even though I felt like crying. I nodded, and then she hugged me, like nothing she told me before mattered and I swear my whole body burned when she touched me. Painfully.

I told her that I was tired after such a long day. Another lie. Another crack.

She looked at me, confused, but accepted it either way and secretly I believe this time she didn't want to know. It was better this way. She decided, for both of us.

This night I did not sleep. This night I almost tore my apartment down while I was crying.

How could she do that? How could she decide about our future without me? And how, over all, could she tell me that she has, had, still has feelings for me and still walk out and walk back to him?

Some people believe that not acting on your feelings will make them go away and disappear like they've never been there before. Maybe Maura did this because so often she was so rational about everything. But love, love isn't like a chemical formula and if it's not right you change is, you make it go away. It wasn't for me.

And since this night I ask myself why I let someone else take my place when we both felt the same way about each other. I ask myself, every single night I lay awake, why I did not act on my feelings before it was too late and I know the answer… I was scared that I'd loose our friendship and that I'd loose her in the end when something went wrong… but… now it felt like I've lost everything. Our friendship and the chance of something more.

…

Tbc… if you like…


	2. Chapter 1 - The Truth about me

Thanks to everyone who took a few minutes of their time to read this – and double thanks to those who actually decided to write a review. I really appreciate it and I am happy to know what you are thinking and how you feel about the story. I hope you stick with me, even though it is sad now… but like life… it won't stay like that… there's always hope and always better times ahead.

I hope you enjoy reading and I'd love to hear from you.

Sun

**Chapter 1 – The Truth about me**

„I am happy, if you are."

Such a bittersweet lie, tumbling off my lips too many times the last weeks.

I said it so many times it almost seems true. But I'll tell you what is really true: it is a lie.

It is a lie we tell the other person to make them calm down, to take their guilt away. We tell those lies, because we really want to believe it. We want to believe that it is really that easy to ignore your own feelings in order to see the other person happy.

In my theatrical eyes it should rather be: Your Joy implies my sorrow.

I tried my best to ignore what I felt and be the best friend I could be. I tried to ignore my own wishes and hope to fulfil hers. Even if it wasn't with me.

How selfless and heroic, isn't it?

In thought that might actually work, but in reality it isn't that easy.

You can't just tell yourself how something is going to work and how you get over your feelings and expect your heart to do it.

So I sit at my desk, day after day, staring into space, asking myself how I'll be able to get through the day and the next night. I am scared of every free minute when I am not working, because those minutes and hours will be haunted by her face, her smell, her smile, her eyes… the memories I have of her.

Of course I'm still seeing her each and every day and superficially nothing changed. We are still working together, a grand team. We are still sharing our morning coffees. We are still hanging out with the guys at the Dirty Robber.

But if you look on the inside of what we have… had… everything changed.

Every smile I share with her, every glance, and every touch is bittersweet. I can't look into her eyes without seeing what we lost and realizing that when she leaves work or our evenings at the Dirty Robber with the guys she'll be seeing him and every time she hugs me I know that he'll be touching her in a way I'll never be able to.

Seeing her, talking to her, touching her hurts me in a way I thought I could never be hurt by anyone.

All I want to do is to withdrawn, leave her and my old life behind and crawl in a hole where no one sees me. I want to keep the world outside and all those ugly feelings that come with living.

"Jane?" His voice hardly reaches me and I first realize there's someone with me on the porch when I feel his hand on my shoulder.

"Dad…" I breathe out, looking into his eyes, and what I see is deep concern.

That's all I see the last days…

"What are you doing out here, it's getting cold."

I don't answer him, because I don't exactly know what to say. There's no explanation in the things I do now, or the last weeks. The only explanation could be that I'm in love, miserably in love.

"You look baleful, Janey."

"Gee… thanks, dad." I say sarcastically and smile at him.

"No, bella, you won't be able to use sarcastically comments or jokes with me now. We all see that you are suffering, from whatever. We thought we should respect your boundaries and let you come when you're ready. But you are not yourself anymore, everyone sees it. So no jokes, no sarcasm, no need to hide yourself anymore. We just want to help you, Janey." His eyes are darker than before, filled with forwardness and concern, both a mixture that results in stubbornness. I guess that's our family heirloom.

"You are my daughter and I want you to be happy."

His eyes soften immediately and I swear I saw his eyes watering.

The sigh I held escaped my lips and one single word sneaked out. "Daddy…"

Without a second thought I smuggle into his warm and comforting arms, like I remember doing when I was a little girl, and there and then I don't care that I'm over 30, a independent woman, a homicide detective who faced worse than one could imagine.

But now I'm someone who wants to be his little girl again. I want to forget all the things I have to do, all the things I need to do… I want to be his little girl again, where nothing else is more important than staying in his arms, being safe; the rest of the world locked out. There and Then I wish I could pretend that it's this easy like it was when I was a little girl.

"I'm in love with someone, daddy." I whisper, stunned by my own words.

I'm thankful for his silence, because I know that Mom wouldn't be quiet, until she found out everything, getting an answer to any of her questions.

He, instead, holds me and rubs my back, waiting until I'm ready to say more.

"But they don't love me back."

A tear escapes my eyes. A tear I tried to hold back, even in the darkest hours, alone, in my bed, at night.

"And…?" he says, a small smile gracing his lips.

I looked up into his brown daring eyes.

"There's so much I want to say to you, to make you believe how wonderful and strong you are. Even as a little girl we knew how special you are and even though your mother and I were scared about the choices you made, about being a cop, we were so proud of you and we still are. You are such a caring person and you are such a good cop, because of it. But you know why you make such a great detective, too? You never give up. When every else would give up, you still go on. You never give up and that's enviable. You shouldn't give up without fighting for the things you love now."

There and Then I realize what I was doing was… giving up, without a fight.

The last days I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I wanted to crawl into a hole and give up. And when I looked into the eyes of my father and listened to his words I realized that I am a shell of myself – I am my own shadow. And worse – I am not the person I want to be.

"Thank you, dad…" I say and the first time there's a small smile on my face.

I won't give up without a fight.

….

I was shaking as I stood in front of her door on a pretty cold November evening, but it wasn't the cold that shook me to the core.

I've been lying awake night after night for almost one week, until I felt like it was time to do this step. I've been trough every single scenario in my head and only one out of thousand was lucky.

But I couldn't spend another night without her knowing what I felt…and maybe… maybe she'd see how happy I could make her. All those memories told me one thing: We were like a couple before; we spend our time together with barely any boundaries. We… we loved each other.

What we had couldn't be named with anything else, but love.

But how could she possibly know what I felt? That I felt the same? I had never said it out loud, too scared to lay myself open in front of her, to scared to loose her. She is into facts, and I'll give them to her. If she needs proof, here I am.

Now was the time, before I'd loose her to him.

After I rang the bell I had to wait a few minutes before the door was opened and my heart literally stopped for a few seconds. It felt as if a hand enveloped my heart and squeezed it.

"Jane." My name sounded like a wonderful melody coming from her lips.

I could see the surprise on her face, yet there was a light in her eyes, a soft twinkle I could easily overlook. Was she happy to see me? Did she miss me as much as I missed her? Did she need me the way I needed her? Or was it just a pleasantly surprise to see me?

"What are you doing here?" She asked and I almost took a step back. I wasn't welcomed anymore like before. Did I actually believe I could still come to her house anytime I wanted, anytime I needed to see her? Uninvited?

I ignored all my doubts creeping up. Now wasn't the time to step back. I had this speech in my mind and it had to be shared: My heart wouldn't allow me to sleep another night before I did so.

"I came… I came to talk… about something… something important." I said. No I stammered. What did she do to me, to make a Jane Rizzoli actually stutter?

"Oh…" she hushed.

"I'm sorry I came uninvited, but it's… really important for me." And hopefully for you, too…

"It's a bad timing, you could say… I'm inconsolable I can't invite you in."

"Oh…" Of course… Of course he was here.

No time for sadness, Jane. Put yourself together now and tell her. Just tell her.

"It won't take long." I promised.

"Jane… is everything okay? I've been worried about you."

I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes. Nothing ever mattered to me as much as her caring.

"Yea… I hope so… I just…"

A take a deep breath and I close my eyes, trying to take the courage and speak up. I am scared. Yes I am, more than I would ever admit to anyone.

But when the heart wants to speak up, nothing else really matters and so I open my mouth and the words flow out and they envelop her as if they want to keep her warm on a cold December day, as if they want to keep her safe in a dark alley and as if they want to accompany her in a lonely night.

"You mean the world to me, Maura. Literally and truly. My life is built around you, for many months now. No one knows me like you do, no one puts up with my outbursts, my moods, my quirks and my anger. No one knows my best sides like you do and no one knows me at my lowest. And the thing is that I don't mind! I am so deeply scared about lying bare in front of someone, someone who knows everything about me, because I'm so afraid of getting hurt. But I'm not… with you. Everything is different with you, Maura. I even love things about you I hated with others. But you make me love them. You make a better person out of me."

Tears threaten to fall and I almost can't hold them back. But I don't want to cry, not before I made her see what exactly she means to me.

"I don't want to live another day without you – and without you knowing how I feel about you. I think I fell in love with you the first time I laid my eyes on you – and later I was falling in love with your mind. You are… perfect... to me… and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes to realize how perfect you really are. And it kills me to know that you are with someone else, someone who isn't me. Maura… You are my life, my everything. And I love you. I…. love… you."

And suddenly an overbearing weight is dropped down from my shoulders and my heart – and for the first time in days I feel like I can breathe again.

And for the first time in days a smile is gracing my face while a tear is escaping my eyes.

For a short moment I really believe that it didn't hurt to open myself up and let her read me like a book.

Just a short passing moment it is, until my smile fades, and with every passing minute in which she isn't saying a word, the tears get more and more, until I hardly see anything.

I don't know how long we stood there, staring at each other, until a male voice disrupted the silence that painfully squeezed me.

"I'm coming, Michael. Just a second." She answers, her voice suddenly sounding so hoarse and strange in my ears.

"I'm sorry." Is the only thing I say, before I spin around, not able to look at her anymore.

Sobs are wrenching me and I feel like there's no breathe left in me as I walk down the street.

There I am, crawling back in my hole, regretting I ever thought about leaving it. How could I believe that opening up to someone is doing me good? It's never, never, never… good.

But suddenly I hear my name, coming from her lips and when I spin around she's running up to me, in the cold.

Before I realize what is happening she's standing before me, unbelievable, almost unbearable near. She shivers, just like I do, but out of different reasons.

She whispers my name and looks deeply into my eyes, right before I feel her lips on my salty ones.

As I feel her soft lips, gliding over and melding with mine, touching my heart like nothing did before, I can't contain the soft sigh that mingles with her breath.

Nothing else matters in this moment, but my hands on her face, pulling her near, and her hands, grasping my jacket. Neither of us letting go, until we both need to breathe again.

Looking back I know it did not feel like a promise, if anything it felt like a kiss goodbye.

I had my eyes closed when she kissed my tears away, just before she planted one last kiss on my waiting lips.

"I am sorry, too." She hushed into the night air and before I knew I was left in the dark.

I did not dare to open my eyes, to scared to see what I was already feeling – the loos of her body against mine, her hands… her lips…

Nothing remained. Everything was gone.

And when I heard the door closing behind her, it truly was.

….

What does it say about a person when the woman who knows all about you, all of your mistakes, all of your negative sides... Simply everything... Decides against a life with you?

I suppose not everyone gets a happy ending…

…..

Tbc… if you like…

And of course a great christmas-y time ;)


	3. Chapter 2 - Worth taking a risk

God, guys… thank you so much for taking the time and writing a review for this story. It means so much to me right now. It was hard for me to start this, but I see it is worth it, knowing you feel it too and maybe… I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

So after the review of Oglie Booglie I just had the feeling that I should say something about how Maura was acting in the last Chapter and how she maybe shouldn't have kissed Jane (very good point Jobee24). I don't think Maura is heartless, god no, and in the next Chapter it might resolve a little bit how she is feeling and what's going through her mind and why she did the things she did…. But in the last Chapter I just wanted… I guess… being theatrical as I am I… I wanted it to be a bittersweet moment between them in which the passion sneaks out, but in the end hurts. But I promise I'll resolve the question mark hanging around your head ;)

Just… thank you… so much for reading and reviewing this. You are awesome.

The next chapter is for fergz1 who made me consider writing Maura's pov.

I really hope it isn't boring, because there aren't many dialogues, but I just wanted to give you an insight to her thoughts.

And to the guest who told me that this story sucks – and feels sorry he read it – I am sorry too, but this isn't meant to be a great and nice and happy story. I guess I should put up a warning sign here. But though thanks to your comment, I just wish it would have been more constructive so I know what exactly I did wrong.

So enough talking here… here we (finally ;) ) go.

- Sun

**Chapter 2 – Worth the risk**

_Maura's pov_

Sometimes in life you take a road your heart doesn't want to take, but your mind says it's for the best.

Your heart tries to take a fight, but in the end, at times, it looses.

You spend nights wondering, dreaming, asking yourself what's best and which way to go. Sometimes you cry, you weep and you tell yourself to be strong and to follow what your sanity whispers.

All my life I could trust in mine… now couldn't be different, could it?

I was just trying to keep the most sacred in my life save… without realizing that I was destroying it.

…

When I was a little girl I knew two things:

I had to follow certain etiquettes to be someone.

Loneliness will accompany me wherever I go.

I knew that, because even in my young years I've always been an outcast, standing on the outside, looking in.

So when I was a little girl my imaginary friend was actually called Mr. Ness. Lonely Ness.

We spent long hours together in which we talked about life and about the questions that filled my young mind.

And even though my fantasy friend faded when I grew older, Loneliness stayed with me, just like he promised, wherever I'd go.

I always believed this feeling of not truly belonging anywhere, always being kind of lonely would fade the day I fell in love. I believed so many things until I learned I was wrong…

I never lost the feeling of loneliness. It always remained, even though I really tried to give myself to one person and… love…

And with the years passing by I started to believe something else: I'd never stop feeling lonely, that was my burden. The only thing I could do was searching for distraction, trying to escape my liability.

And then suddenly, when I accepted my own set destiny, she appeared, without premonition. She appeared like a storm, creating a sensation in my quiet and lonesome life. Never had I thought someone like her, so different from myself and the people I grew up with would free me and show me what life is about. But yet it was exactly what I needed.

She became my calmness and my storm, all the same. She found me, even though I wasn't searching for her… or better said… I did not know what I was looking for until I met her…

Like a prince freeing his princess out of the tower she freed my from my hundred year long sleep and finally I started to really live, not only getting by.

Jane invited me into her family and made me part of it as if I really belonged with them.

She made me enjoy life. Like really enjoying it, not only sensing, but really seeing how beautiful it can be, apart from all the pain and cruelness we see each and every day.

I owe her everything…

Actually I don't have to ask myself how I could fall in love with her, because there was nothing I did not admire and love about her, even though she worried me way to often. Often I asked myself how someone could lay eyes on her and get to know her without falling in love.

It may sound crazy for someone like me, but for me she was flawless in her imperfection.

Her life is bound to mine, undeniably linked.

And that's what makes it so difficult and painful to love her… My success with relationship is… devastating and none existing and I could never… never… allow myself to loose her.

So I set up a plan, while I lay awake at night: I would never act on my feelings for her, because it might end in loosing her and the thought alone was too much to take… After she showed me what living actually means I can't go back ever again…

So on a Thursday night after a long day at work and many hours filled with thinking about Jane, I decided to attend a usually charity party I simply had to attend now and then.

That's where I met him. Michael. A handsome guy with light blond greyish hair and delightful manners.

My heart said no, but my mind screamed yes. Distraction… isn't it what we all need?

A good distraction from life, now and then.

So I let him pay my glass of wine, I laughed at his joked, I flirted and I tried to seem interested in him. I touched him, I smiled and I lied to him and my heart about being in no commitment, being free for whatever came. I let him take off my coat and kiss me… I even let him stay over night…

I was lying to myself and I felt it… nevertheless I told myself it was for the best. Too many times I over thought everything… to scared of loosing… with Michael it was different.

So I told Jane what I wanted myself to believe: It felt great to be spontaneous, without risking anything at all. Maybe he was the right one for me… the whole time with her on my mind. I believed that hurting her now was better than keep going like this: being more than best friends, but always one step away from being more.

But now I know I did not only hurt her, I also hurt myself along the way and I was using Michael to prove myself that I could live without Jane being the anchor in my life.

But I couldn't…

Every time I left the bar earlier to be with Miachel and every night I denied Jane to rather spend time with him loneliness came back, brazen-faced telling me that what I was trying to do was useless.

You can't deny what your heart wants.

It's just like a chemical formula. You can try and deny it, but it's still there.

My feelings about Jane were the same. Denial is useless, because it can't be denied.

And when she stood in front of me, her eyes searching for mine, her lips saying all the things I dreamed about hearing I wanted to sneak my arms around her and let her know that my feelings for her were stronger than my fears and that I loved her more than I ever loved someone in my whole life.

But… I couldn't… She was the brave one, standing there in front of me, bare, and all I did was staring at her, holding back the tears that threatened to fall.

I know I should have let her go, I should have let her walk away, because in the end I couldn't give her what she deserved, too poor –spirited. Jane would use her usual slang and call me chicken hearted or worse, use other words to describe how stupid I was acting.

And suddenly a small smile graced my lips. She already had me, even though I didn't say those words back… she'd always have me, before anyone else.

Without thinking about the consequences I called her, and I hoped she would stay.

Without thinking I ran up to her and I… I did what I wanted to do, what I needed to do for such a long time.

Without thinking about how much I'd hurt her with one single kiss I pulled her near.

And when I touched her lips, when I finally knew how it was to kiss the women I loved, I knew it was wrong, although it felt so… right… so so so right…

The moment I gave into her I also backed away, realizing that it was me who caused the tears I was kissing away. It was me who caused her pain… How would it be if I actually gave completely in? It'd be me causing her sorrow… it'd be me destroying the best friendship I ever had by trying something I have never been good at…

I couldn't risk it… I couldn't…

"I am sorry, too…" I hushed, before I turned around, walking away from her.

It felt as if I was doing the right and the most responsible thing I could do.

But the thing with responsibility is it doesn't always feel right and it doesn't have to be the best for you.

When I closed the door behind me to see Michael standing before me I felt as if I had to throw up, suddenly feeling such a heavy weight on my heart. I felt as if I was suffocating, drowning in front of him.

Looking into his eyes after I experienced the joy of kissing her felt wrong… everything about him and about this situation felt wrong…

How could I let her go? How could I believe that it'd do us any good to deny what we had? How could I ever be happy when I wasn't risking something? How could I ever be happy knowing I pushed her away when all I ever wanted was pulling her near? How could I ever be happy without being with her?

Love is always bound to risk. Everything in life is. Either way you win or you loose.

But isn't true love worth the risk?

"Darling…" he said. "Is everything okay?"

I looked up, meeting his worried stare, and that's when I knew what I had to do.

"Michael, we need to talk…"

…

I am really not sure about the quality about this chapter, but it just had to be done.

Hope you liked it a lil bit at least.

This is of course… to be continued ;) how could I deny you anything?


	4. Chapter 3 - Coping mechanism

Thank you so much for your opinion on this… it means so much to me, you'll never guess. Besides writing what I love about this story is being in contact with all of you, sharing your opinion with me. I truly appreciate it.

Aaand: Oh my god… I've heard a song that TOTALLY reminded me of this storyline and I just had to share it with you. You SHOULD absolutely listen to it, because it will also be a part of this Chapter ;)

It's called "Ho hey" by The Lumineers. You need to check it out on youtube!

I also want to apologize for my grammatical mistakes. I'm not a native speaker and I try my best to keep them out and to make reading this enjoyable for you, but unfortunately I'm not the grammatical bummer, you know? I hope you'll forgive me and maybe I'll find a beta soon.

Hope you all are doing all right! I'll do my best to update as soon as possible, but the next play at the theatre where I work starts and that'll mean working long hours, but I will not forget about you and I'll also try to update as often as I can ;)

-Sun

**Chapter 3 – Coping mechanism **

**I've been trying to do it right  
I've been living a lonely life  
I've been sleeping here instead  
I've been sleeping in my bed,**

I've been sleeping in my bed  


I have never been good at coping with my emotions.

When someone treated my brothers badly, whenever someone bullied or angered, insulted them and whenever someone tried to pick a fight I've been there fighting back.

Maybe I should have let them be and tell my brothers afterwards that they shouldn't listen to their crap. I didn't exactly do that… but I still showed them to fight for your own rights. Proverbial.

I had been in so many boy fights, visited the office of the principal, spent hours at detention and hours at home listening to my mom screaming at me for coming home with another blue eye, scraps and bruises, but I couldn't let them treat my baby brothers this way.

I always picked a fight to battle for and to protect my own rights; and sometimes it was hard to control my anger.

But the older I grew the more I tried to deflect my true feelings, by wearing a mask, lying to everyone else about what was going on in my mind.

I deflected what makes me human, always a sarcastic comment on my lips. I gulped it down and bottled it up until it ate me alive… I bottled it up until it surged itself out through salty tears, bursting out, almost unbearable, and unstoppable.

I've never been good at coping with my emotions and it never got any better.

So I am sitting here at the dirty robber, memories haunting me, the third night in a row in which I could not sleep, drowning one drink after the other. It helped… the burning sensation in my throat almost distracting me from my hurting heart… and after a good amount of alcohol I could forget everything that happened for at least a few hours.

For the first time I really did not care about my health and there was no one anymore who told me what I was doing to myself. Thinking about how Maura always complained about how unhealthy I was living, counting down all the possible things that could happen one day, I choked down a bitter laugh. Again it hit me hard… No one was here with me anymore… Maura left me on her own accords and the rest couldn't bear and support my new self… and honestly I could not bear their "Everything's getting better" speeches.

After the night I opened my heart for her and let her take a good look inside, after the night we kissed, after the night she let me see what heaven felt like… after the night that broke my heart again she tried to talk to me, over and over again… but I couldn't… I couldn't go down to the morgue, I couldn't come near her without the need to touch her and I couldn't look into her eyes without the deep want to tell her that I love her… I couldn't let her hurt me again, so the only logical thing was to avoid her…

Nevertheless she kept being on my mind…

"Is this seat taken?" A soft womanly voice asked, and for the first time in hours and 3 Jackie cola, I looked up into the eyes of a stranger.

She smiled at me, openly, sweetly, almost daring.

I shook my head. "Nope."

Her smile grew, getting brighter and it was as if Maura stood before me… looking so confident as if she already won the fight… But Maura, in contrast to this woman, didn't need to fight… she had me wrapped around her finger… she had me… all of me.

"What are you doing here? Are you waiting for someone?" She asked after she sat down, looking at me as if she was looking for something.

I took another sip.

"Nope. All alone."

I froze for a second when I suddenly felt her hand touching my arm.

"You're lookin' for company?" Well at least she came straight to the point. No awkward small talk needed, when both knew they weren't interested in talking at all.

I looked up into her dark brown eyes.

I've never been the girl for a one night stands. Less and less since I fell in love with Maura… but this night… Maura wasn't here, she might never be again. And brown eyed girl was good looking and I… I needed distraction. A lot distraction.

"I'm not looking for love." I said, giving a stranger something I wish Maura'd have done… I was telling her what awaited her in the end, without giving her hope and destroying it in the end. Maybe then I could still look in Maura's eyes…

"I just want to forget."

She smiled at me, almost poised. "That's what I thought when I saw you sitting here at the bar, by yourself, drowning one drink after the other." And then she looked at me mischievously, and suddenly I could feel her breath on my face, her mouth near my ear, her breath smelling of alcohol. "I thought I could help you to forget. You know, helping my karma, service for those who need it."

I felt that for the first time in ages I could laugh. I laughed at her, doing something my heart never believed I could do, taking someone with me who was not Maura. But I could not care less. Hadn't she done the same? I knew we hadn't been together, but it felt like betrayal… so I could betray my own heart, too.

"My apartment is near…"

I did not believe that I could feel something else than pain the last days. Everything hurt and nothing in my life felt the way it should, because everything was Maura.

But here in the night hours with a complete stranger I wasn't the Jane who suffered, I became a new one. One that did not care. Maybe it was the wrong way to cope, but I couldn't care less.

The more I pushed and the more I let myself go, the better the sensation became.

And the more I could feel with her pressed under me, the less I _felt_.

It was a distraction I needed so badly.

But after a few hours it ended again and I could do nothing more than lie there beside this stranger whose name I couldn't even remember.

"You want to talk about what's bothering you?"

I did not look at her.

"I thought we agreed to no talking. I am not searching for love and I am certainly not searching for a therapist."

She laughed. "Wow. After such a night I can't believe you are in such a bad mood… Well I just thought you might wanna talk."

"I don't." I answered bitterly.

Months ago Maura would have told me how healthy sexual intercourse was and that I should try it. I would have laughed about it, right after telling her that I did not want to talk about things like that with her and that my stress level and my neck pain won't be solved by a good lay. Months ago I was able to laugh about it and let it go. Now everything about this just felt wrong. Everything about this felt so… wrong..

"Well thanks for the welcoming distraction, but you have to go. I need to get to work."

And with that I got out of bed, taking my clothes on and letting her and last night behind.

"Come on, Frost! Please, just one more time."

"No! I won't be the middle man in this anymore."

"Please; Frost. Come on, I'm begging here!"

Couldn't he hear the desperation in my voice? After everything that happened I did not want to see her. Not today, after the last night- not now.

"No. I won't! You usually do it and I don't care what happened between you too, so you always send me down there the last days. You need to sort things out and you'll do it now. I've got things to do, just like Korsak."

And with that he disappeared behind his computer, leaving me no space to complain and try again.

Great… the day couldn't get any better.

I stood in the door to her office, looking at her, my eyes roaming over her body, sweeping over every single detail from her full rose lips to her hazel eyes and to the frown grazing her forehead. It's the first time I let my eyes linger in days and that's just one of the reasons I did not want to go down here.

I did not know which emotion dominated: the need to be near her, to touch her and never let her go or the anger, the rage that cursed through my body when I looked at her, knowing what she did to my heart.

"Jane…" She said, but her voice almost sounded like a hopeful whisper.

I had to be strong… I had to stand still and not let her get to me.

"I'm here for the lab results."

I couldn't let her get to me. I was doing my job here, nothing more.

"They are not finished yet…"

"Okay, I'll stop by later…"

"…but they should be any minute."

"Then I'll stop by later.."

"Please…" She literally grabbed for me, trying to find a reason to make me stay. But why? Why did she do it? Wasn't she the one who turned her back on me? Wasn't she the one who left me behind? "Stay… it won't take long."

And I did stay, but only because I couldn't reveal the scared and insecure bird I was. I'm strong and confident Detective Rizzoli, no love sick teenage girl. Yeah, as if…

"You look bad, Jane…" She said and as I looked into her eyes I don't now what I saw… Concern? Partly anger? Frustration? Worry?

"Thanks, you look good yourself." I rolled with my eyes, crossing my arms, like I wanted to protect my heart.

"No, Jane… We all worry about you… You took a look into a mirror the last days?"

Actually I didn't, because I did not like what I see… I hated my new shell like self, but I couldn't do anything against it…

"I am doing fine." I lied straight into her face, but did I really expect her to believe it?

"Oh and by that you must mean drinking yourself into a coma every night in the week?"

"How…?"

"We are working with cops and officers every day. You shouldn't go into a cop bar if you don't want to be seen."

"You know I always enjoyed a good drink after work, you can't accuse me of that."

"Maybe not, but does 'feeling fine' implies smelling of alcohol or does that means sleeping around with woman you hardly know? That's not you, Jane." I don't know if I actually heard jealousy mingling in her words or if I just wanted to hear it… But either way it enraged me.

**I don't think you're right for him  
think of what it might have been if you  
took a bus to Chinatown  
I'd be standing on canal  
and bowery  
and she'd be standing next to me**

I belong with you, you belong with me  
you're my sweetheart  
I belong with you, you belong with me  
you're my sweetheart

"You shouldn't throw with a stone, sitting in a glass house yourself, miss -I'm taking home every gal that has a beautiful gluteus maximus or well developed bone structure."

And the ball hit home. My heart raced and blood pumped through my veins. I could feel it almost painfully. The moment I said it I knew I shouldn't have, no matter how much she hurt me. She wasn't just the woman I loved, but also my best friend… at least she once was.

But I just couldn't bring myself to stop.

Her eyes watered the moment I said it and all I wanted to do was saying sorry and sneaking her into my arms, but once you get beside a special point it is hard to go back…

"Why are you doing this, Jane?" She hushed, her voice almost betrayed her.

"Because you hurt me! Every single day you wake up beside him when we both know it should be me!" And the truth sneaked out.

"I… I never meant to hurt you, Jane. I never did. You have to believe me…"

My eyes soften and I look into her tears streaking eyes.

"I know… but it still happened." I reply, turning around to get into my safe harbour again. I wasn't safe being near her when it was still hurting so much.

****

And love, we need it now  
Let's hope for some  
Cause oh, we're bleeding out

"Jane… please… hear me out."

"Why? Why should I? I don't wanna hear it, Maura… You had time and the chance to answer me, when I was standing in the cold before you, opening myself up to you!"

When I was still at school my worse dream was standing in front of the class completely stripped giving a presentation. Back then I thought the most sacred thing you could give to another person was letting them see you naked, making love.

But now I know it is easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time, for ages now.

The really hard part is to open your heart and soul to another person, letting them into your thoughts, your fears, your future, your hopes, your dreams, your feelings… that is being naked and bare.

"Will we ever be able to go back to normal, Jane?"

"I don't know. Maybe." Could I ever go back to normal when I didn't want normal, but her love?

And then I turned around, forgetting the reason why I actually came.

…**..**

Can't deny you anything so here I am again… tbc, of course ;)

And XimeBeach… are you reading my mind? It's freaking me out a little bit *laughing*

Hope you all still enjoyed it. I feel like we need to see both of them fighting and being hurt and insecure. After something like that you can't just go on from being deeply hurt to forgiving and loving each other. But to be able to start the journey of forgiveness and love Jane just needs to listen to Maura once, but she is too stubborn to see past her own hurt right now. We'll see what happens next chapters and I'm looking forward to taking that journey with you…

But first tell me… you want some real drama?


	5. Chapter 4 - First steps

A guest wrote that they don't like the way I put Maura and Jane and how I describe them.

I absolutely get your opinion, but I have to say that what I am not doing is portraying them..! I have to say that loud and clear, because I get it if you don't like this version of Jane and Maura, because they're not like in television or how you admire them.

They are my individual version and I want to portray them the way I think it works with the story. If you don't like it I understand it. If you don't like it you better not read it.

And I'm sorry for the stranger -sex, I'm just a little evil here ;) Of course I don't like it, because Maura and Jane are just MFEO, but I just thought it felt right at this point.

And thanks to XimeBeach who stated it like it is: Maura didn't tell Jane that she broke it off with Michael and that she loves her, because Jane is a raged animal. Maura tried to talk to her, but Jane didn't listen and Maura knew she wouldn't. Just because you want to say something doesn't mean that you are listened. In life there is a time for everything.

Furthermore I am really sorry that it took me so long to write another Chapter, but a new production started at the theatre and that's taking most of my time. I'll still try my best and write.

Unfortunately it's just a short chapter, because I didn't want to let you wait to long.

Hope you like the next Chapter and your opinion is always welcomed.

All the best,

Sun

**Chapter 4 – First steps **

Everyone has their own coping mechanism in life.

Some eat their pain away with chocolate and ice cream with Baileys on top; they watch a sappy love movie and cry their heart out.

Others try and deny what happened, burying their feelings deep down, trying to ignore them.

Others try to laugh their sorrow away, a smile firmly plastered on their face as if nothing ever happened.

At the beginning I drank, I was drunk every single night, trying to numb the ache the most loved person in my life caused. I drank myself to sleep, until I realized that it didn't help at all…

They say there are stages of grief you have to go through after a person dies.

I believe we all have to go through different stages of coping, all the time, and every time something bad happens to us.

So after I got over the stage of getting drunk I started to do what I always did whenever I wanted to forget my own needs, my own life. I worked, longer and harder than everyone else. I was almost running on auto pilot; being the first in the morning and leaving as the last one in the evening, if I was actually willing to go home where memories stayed and greeted me whenever I opened the door. Sometimes it almost felt as if I could still smell her when I opened the door. My home was hers and her home felt as mine. And I still tried to run away from that certainty.

Running on auto pilot almost felt good; not feeling, not thinking, no dreaming, simply doing.

So when Frost came up, saying "Our suspect has been seen a few blocks from here." I wasn't thinking about how hungry I was and how long I haven't eaten something. I wasn't thinking that I was so tired my legs almost couldn't bear the rest of my body. All I thought about was: yes! Something else to distract me!

"Coming." I said, grabbing my black jacket, shortly looking at Maura who stood in the room with a file in her hands, and pang… for a short, but hurtful second all the sorrow came rushing back. But not just that… I missed her. I missed everything about her, but most of all her smile and the twinkle in her eyes. I think I haven't seen it in a while… and I believe no one has.

We both changed within the last weeks and as much as I want to do something against it, I can't… I just can't get over all the pain she caused me. Opening myself up to her… and… being rejected the way she rejected me… I don't know what exactly it did to me…but it felt as if all the trust I built up, working hard, was nowhere to be found.

Usually she would have said. "Please take care." Now she said it with her eyes, but I looked away.

….

Every time I sprinted after one of the suspects I asked myself: Why? Why do they always have to run away?

This time I actually understood. Being burdened with evident, being accused for drug using and murdering, I think I'd run from the police, too.

As I ran after him through the alley I didn't even know where Frost was, I just knew he was running after the other guy we saw when we arrived, and maybe I should have let him go, knowing what he did and how dangerous he was. Maybe I should have waited for backup or let him go; trying an other time, but that wasn't me…

The only thing I heard was the hard percussion of my shoes on the asphalt and my jerking breath.

Once I promised Maura to take no risk after I was stabbed by a perp, lying in the hospital, again. She held my hand and stayed with me for the night. Seeing her crying I promised myself to never ever hurt her like that again, if I could avoid it.

But now moments like that didn't really matter anymore.

All I could think about was catching this bastard and making him pay for the things he did.

I should have listened; I should have kept my promise.

As I rounded the corner, keeping up my speed, I felt something really hard connecting with my head, I knew I should have.

For a split second everything went black as I fell to the ground. Desperately I was trying to get myself together, but it was hard with my head furiously pounding and my eyes furiously trying to see. The only thing I recognized painfully was someone grabbing me hard, pulling me up, but only to hit me in the stomach, pushing me down to the ground again. I tried so much to fight back, grabbing his feet, trying to bring him down, but he was up again before I knew it. I wanted to scream for help, but no sound was coming out. Instead I was trying my best to catch my breath as I tried to get up, _GET UP! _But he hit me, pushed me, kicked me, over and over again.

Everything hurt, even parts of my body I didn't even know they existed, until it finally stopped.

Other footsteps, a helping hand.

"GET AWAY FROM HER!" Frost… oh thank god…

For the first time I looked around, trying to catch what was going on, my sight still a little blur. Woah, no hangover could compete with that.

I tried to stand up, keeping my dignity. "Good job, dude…" I exclaimed madly. "Assaulting a detective! That'll do it for you…"

I was trying to play cool, play it down how much everything hurt.

I was trying to stand up and help Frost to arrest him.

I was trying to form a coherent thought, but the only thing I could think was: I should have kept my promise; right before everything went black.

….

(Maura's pov.)

There's a proverb I never wanted to quote, but I'll do it now: You realize what you had when it's gone.

The only wrong thing with this saying is that I always knew it:

I knew it the first time we had lunch together, I realized it when she invited me to join her and the guys at the dirty robber after a case. I realized it the first time she told me she thought of me as a best friend, but I didn't realize it when she confessed her love for me. I didn't want to realize it, because that would mean everything had to change and I wasn't ready for that.

For the first time I felt loved and welcomed.

For the first time I felt as if I belonged somewhere.

For the first time I realized what it meant to have a best friend. So many first times I never wanted to forget.

But starting a love affair, a relationship with someone, and seeing it end badly; I had many experiences with that and back then there were people involved I didn't even feel the way about like I feel about Jane. Too much to risk, too much to loose.

I think I would change the saying in: You realize what you should have risked when you can't risk it anymore, because the opportunity is gone.

I was so mad at her for not listening to me when I finally realized that she was worth taking the risk, but I understood why… I was so stupid, so so stupid for shutting her out the moment she offered herself to me.

But I was trying everything to get through to her.

So every day I wasn't waiting for someone to get the report for the latest case like I always did, just to see it wasn't Jane coming through the door. Instead I walked up into the bullpen, hoping to see her, talk to her… get through to her. Usually she murmured thanks, barely looking at me.

And this time, as I was standing there, trying to find courage to step inside and hand her the file she already walked up to me, again, barely looking at me. "Coming." She said to him and I knew she was going to do her job and all I wanted to say "Please take care!" But it wasn't my place anymore. So the only thing I could do was something I never did: praying.

….

When Frost entered my office I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it, so I tried to let this feeling go.

"I put the file on your desk." I said before he could answer, but the look in his eyes, filled with compassion, told me that there was something else.

"Thanks…" he said, breathing in and out, nervously.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, suddenly growing impatient.

"I… I don't know if…" He stammered, coughing.

_God, please, don't let it be her..._

"I don't now if someone told you or if… I just came down to tell you before you heard from someone else…"

"Barry… what..." I didn't dare to ask him, because I did not want to hear the answer. But still I wanted… I needed to know.

"We heard that our main suspect from the drug-murder case was a few blocks away, most likely dealing again with drugs. So we went there…and we actually found him… Jane was running after him, while I… I…" I looked at the ground and I could sense that guilt was dazing him. "… After a few minutes I ran after them and when I finally found them he had already beat her up pretty bad. I took him away from her and took him down… I already called the ambulance, fearing the worst. She said something to him and then… she… but she only was consciousness for a few minute… not for long… she…"

"Where is she?" I made myself ready to drive to the next hospital, holding her hand another time.

"At home."

"What do you mean 'at home'? What do you mean?" My voice pitched.

"It was nothing too bad. She… was awake and she insisted to go home. She wouldn't listen to anyone. You know her she's…!"

"Thanks for telling me…" I cut him off, trying to smile at him gratefully, right before I was sprinting down the hall.

….

_(Jane's pov)_

Listening to the instant knock on my door already hurt my head, but standing up was a bitch.

Who could be there? I told Frost to tell no one, until I was ready to get through another screaming party from my mom and then her smothering. Right now I just wanted to be left alone and get through the day. They said I was lucky, no internal bleeding. "Just" a concussion, a few dark bruises, a laceration on my forehead and a broken rip. All in all I could call myself lucky. But I didn't feel like that.

Slowly I got up, almost regretting I didn't stay at the hospital, but I just hated it there, deeply hating it.

When I finally made it to the door, opening it, my heart stopped for a second, until it started to beat again, furiously.

"Jane…" she breathed, her eyes fresh with tears as she took me in.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, too harsh.

"Well… I could ask the same."

"That's my home." I answered, knowing what she meant but not giving in.

"And you are hurt."

"It's not the first and it won't be the last time. Better get used to it." I mumbled.

Her eyes softened and I knew she wants to take me in her arms. I know she wants to check on my wounds and make sure everything is alright… and partly I wish I could allow her. But we both can't just go back.

"So what are you doing here?"

"When I heard about it… I'm worried… I wanted to see how you are." Silence. "I do care about you."

I want to believe her and I think I always believed her, with everything she said. But my hurt and my pride ignored all of that.

"Oh… it takes me to get beaten up by our suspect…it takes me to get hurt for you to realize that you care? Great, Maur, really fucking awesome!" I let my anger control me, my heart and my hurt suddenly rule my mind.

"You know it's not true, Jane… I never stopped caring…" She whispers, her tears telling me it's true.

"So why did you take so long to come here, huh? Why did it take so long for you to say sorry?"

I know that I'm being unfair. I know, and she knows too, that I didn't want to listen to her the last days, that I cut her off whenever she was coming near me. But I can't deny the fact that I wish she tried harder… I wished that she wouldn't let me be my usual self… I wish she tried more…

"You know I tried… I just… I couldn't…"

Seeing her in front of me, openly crying, changes something within me. I could never see her cry without doing something.

Suddenly I sigh out a simple "I know…" what makes her look p, hopeful.

"Come in…" I whisper, before opening the door to let her step in.

Just minutes later we sit down on the couch. I already asked her if she wanted a drink, but she denied it, so we sat down. Moments passing until she asks me how I'm feeling.

"I'm okay…"I reply, waiting for her to speak up. The silence is thick above us and I try to break through it but I can't.

"I was scared." She finally says and I look up, into her hazel eyes, they're always my salvation, maybe they'll be again. "When I realized that… that I was falling for you, for my best friend I didn't know what to do… I wanted to be with you, so badly… but it felt like I… couldn't… like I'd destroy the best thing I ever had with trying. I… when I met Michael at the charity and he showed deep interest in me I told myself that it was for the best. Maybe I could forget my feelings for you and we could remain best friends… nothing had to change… but everything changed… I did not feel something for Michael… I lied to him and to myself and over all I hurt you… but my mind told me I had to give it time… And the night you stood before me, confessing what you felt I admired you for strength and how brave you were… It was a dream coming true you saying all those things to me… But I let you go, I hesitated… Seeing you walk away from me, from us, hurt so much I had to follow… kissing you felt so right… it felt perfect… like this was meant to happen, like I finally knew who I belonged to, forever… I wanted to tell you the same you told me, but I couldn't. All I saw in front of my eyes after we kissed was loosing you, because I yet failed at another relationship and I couldn't stand the thought of loosing you. I was… I was so foolish to leave you behind… because… seconds after… when I saw Michael before me I knew that everyone who wasn't you were wrong for me… So I talked to him, at the same night, and I broke it of… I wanted to call you, talk to you immediately… but I was too ashamed by how I've acted… and when I felt ready to face you… it was too late… you wouldn't listen… and I understand... I really do! I wouldn't have listened to me, too…"

I think at this point we both cried, out of different reasons but nevertheless we cried out of the same.

"And I beg you… Jane… all I want is another chance. I'll do everything to make you believe how I feel. Jane…" Her eyes pleaded with mine and all I could see in them were sincerity and love.

"Jane… I love you…."

I wanted to hear those words for so long, but now that I heard them it felt bittersweet. I wanted to forgive her and make both of our pain go away, by saying 'I love you, too'. I never stopped loving her, longing for her, but I also knew that you can't just go back… You can't just go back and pretend things didn't happen…

I know she wanted me to answer, but I waited, because I knew she wouldn't like it. I knew that now I had to hurt her.

"I can't Maura… I can't just go back as if nothing happened."

She looked at me, waiting, as if she wanted to make sure that I was done and I think she hoped to hear me say something else, something more hopeful.

"I'm sorry, Maura… I really am…" And with that she's nodding, avoiding my gaze as she stands up, ready to leave and I realize that you should never let something go if you don't want it to. If there's something you want don't waste your time with thoughts and doubts. You should give it a go, before you hurt yourself and someone else.

"But we can try… we can't just go back how things were; Maur… you hurted me deeply… and I'm still mad at you… But…" I looked up into her eyes.

"Why don't you stay? There should be one of your favourite tv shows on in a couple of minutes and I grew fond of it, too… And I don't wanna be alone right now."

The first time in a long time I saw a small and promising smile on her lips.

"I'd love to." She replys and with that she sits down beside me, again.

And even though we are far way from how we were… it feels like I can breathe again.

It feels like a beginning.


End file.
